Resting in God

Many of you probably already know that Jackman was born yesterday, August 12. I'm not going to use the cliche that it was the happiest moment of my life, but I'm not going to waste my time or yours trying to think up a better one either.

Not long after he was born, it was clear he was having some problems, and before we knew it, he was being escorted by helicopter to Children's Hospital. We didn't know what to think, but we were scared. We found out that his esophagus doesn't reach his stomach, and he will be having surgery, sooner or later. The docs believe the problem is esophageal atresia.

I could go on and on about how pitiful our situation is, but instead I'll tell you about a little light God shined on us this morning.

First, we have too many things to be grateful for to list before I get to what I want to share, but know that we are realizing them, and we are thankful.

For this to make sense, you need some background info, so here are some facts: Jackman was born on August 12; today is August 13; I read the devotional for the 12th from "My Utmost for His Highest" today (a day late). It would also be beneficial to read it for yourself right now. Here is a link: My Utmost for His Highest, August 12.

After reading that this morning, I though to myself "how appropriate is that, I just wish I had read this before we found out about Jackman's problem". But it really spoke to me, and I took it to heart.

Well, we got a few more "surprises" today. I had totally written off the probability that we could encounter any other health issues, but there are some new concerns. When they did the surgery to put in Jackman's feeding tube, they found a small hole in his intestine. They removed his little appendix and fixed the hole, but they had to figure out why he had the hole. It turns out that they suspect that he may also have some problems that will require surgery on his intestines as well.

I almost dropped to my knees, and I don't know how I kept from crying when the surgeon told me that. It seems like too much to drop on someone who has barely been a father for a day. I immediately began to wonder how I was going to explain this to Lisa. I knew it would floor her. Not only does he have this problem with his esophagus (which may keep him in NICU for weeks, even months), but now this too. What else? Do I even want to know?

But something happened while the surgeon explained it. I felt peace. There's no other way to put it really; peace came over me. I should have fell to my knees, I should have cried. People would understand if I shook my fist at God and demanded, WHY?! But that didn't happen, just peace. Just enough to help me stand up under the weight of the latest briefing.

If you read that devotional, you will remember Chambers said: "it is when a crisis arises that we instantly reveal upon whom we rely. If we have been learning to worship God and to trust Him, the crisis will reveal that we will go to the breaking point and not break in our confidence in Him." I knew the reason that I wasn't broken was because God has proved Himself too many times in the past for me not to have confidence in Him.

God has taught me so much the past day and a half, and brought me so much closer to Him, and has given me so much strength, and has stripped away so much of my pride and selfishness. Not only that, He gave me and Lisa a little boy that I wouldn't trade for another kid, or anything else in this world.

We still cry...all day long. It's been tough for us, and really hard on Lisa being completely separated from Jackman. But don't get me wrong; we are not cursing God and shaking our fists at Him. On the contrary, we are resting in Him. He's the reason we can sleep. He's the reason we can laugh when we're not crying. He's the reason we don't despair. He's the reason I'm praising Him right now instead of loosing sleep, wondering "why me, why us". Of course, we are dying to get to see and hold our baby; we know it's ok to long to be with him. The important thing is that we have peace.

The only thing that holds us up, the only thing that dries up our tears, and the only thing that has sustained us since we were separated from Jackman, is confidence in God's sovereignty.

I can't wait for yall to meet our son, Jackman, when this is all over.