Morning Time...

Jackman and me big chair 3, a photo by gharper356 on Flickr.

Most every morning while the boys are asleep, and sometimes before Lisa wakes up, I get up and go downstairs to the living room. I go down there to sit in the big chair and read my Bible and pray. When I’m done, I wait.

I know Jackman will be coming soon. Sometimes he even comes before I can get finished. 

He’s over three years old now, and he’s been in his own little bed for a while. At first when he woke up, he liked to lie around in the bed like a teenager. I would have to go and drag him out. Now he’s got something that he seems to like better than that, which makes me happy. He likes to get up early and come sit with me.

He’s usually awake by around 6:00, sometimes earlier. As soon as he gets up, I hear him jump out of bed. The house is still dark then, and I can hear him walking slowly and carefully down the stairs. Then he peeks around the corner to see if I’m in the big chair. When he sees me, I just motion for him to come on and sit down. He hurries on down the last few stairs – always with Stitch and his Toy Story blanket in-hand. Then he crawls up beside me and under my left arm, and we just sit there together looking into the dark. Sometimes we sit there without making a sound for nearly and hour. It’s one of my favorite times of the day.

I wish I were like him. It occurred to me that I should be exactly like him, be as punctual, as enthusiastic, as eager to wake up every morning and go sit with my Heavenly Father downstairs in the big chair. I must admit that at times I do it out of habit or obligation. But for Jackman it never is – he just wants to come sit with me. I want to be like that so badly. We should all want that. 

Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” I think I’ve found my role model.

Give Credit Where Credit Is Due II

I recently got an email that I've been anxiously waiting for – My Bachelor in Science degree in Religion from Liberty University was officially conferred January 10, 2012.

I received my Associates degree 14 and 1/2 years ago from George Corley Wallace Community College Selma. Although I took a year off to work, I was still basically fresh out of high school. I had all the time in the world to study, and a flexible schedule. I was only taking core classes. No pressure at all. I graduated with a 3.87 GPA.

This time around, almost 15 years later, everything was different. I had to learn how to actually use a computer. I had to master MS Word. I never once picked up paper or pencil.

Not only that, I had a family – or rather grew a family. When I started at Liberty, Jackman was a baby in the NICU at Children’s Hospital. Lisa and I were both working then, and both driving up to see him at least once a day. Then Brolin came along, and things got even crazier. Many Saturdays, Lisa would take the boys to play at her parents while I spent all day working on a paper. The whole time I was in school my mother came over to babysit these wild young’ns so that I could get my work done. The pressure was almost unbearable at the end.

I should have just scraped by.

I graduated summa cum laude; a 4.0 GPA.

But I left out something. The difference was that this time I devoted it to the Lord. Before I did any work, I would pray, and ask God that instead of this just being purely academic, that he would allow me to get to know him better. It’s true that when I want something I go for it persistently (my wife and my mother will both attest to that). I wanted nothing short of excellence, but I made the conscious decision to seek the Lord first and put my desired perfection on the altar, so to speak. That was hard on my pride. Now, I’m not prideful (maybe I should say as prideful) as I would have been – I’m humbled.

See, in light of the obstacles, this wasn’t an accomplishment of my own sheer determination. There’s no way I could have done this own my own. It was too hard. I would have fallen short somewhere along the line. Heck, I came close to quitting. This wasn’t an achievement at all. It was another one of God’s many ways of showing off what he can accomplish with weak, tired, worn out, regular folks that love him. And it brings to mind one of my favorite passages in the Bible:

Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” 

(1 Corinthians 1:26-31)

Ten New Year's Eves Together...

The younger us, over ten years ago... but the happier us just keeps getting happier.

A decade is a period of ten years. As of today – New Year’s Eve, 2012 – that’s how long Lisa and I have been married. Happy anniversary, Lisa!

Ten years is a long time in marriage years, especially the way society has become so comfortable with the idea of divorce. As of about 6:15 P.M., Lisa and I will officially hit that ten year mark. That’s 120 months, or a little more than 521 weeks, or 87,672 hours, or 5,260,320 minutes, or if we could pinpoint it, 315,619,200 seconds. It’s a milestone to say the least.

I’ll never forget, before we got married, our pastor Daryle Nichols said to me in our one marriage counseling session: “Greg, do you realize that God is going to hold you responsible for…” I forget exactly what he said after that, but those were the most important words I’ve ever heard in my life. He meant that the vows I was going to make weren’t a joke – God was going to hold me to them. And God fully expected me to keep them all. Marriage and family became serious business that night, and although I don’t remember much else about that session, it was a life-changer.

Brother Daryle married us in the old sanctuary on a Tuesday night – New Year’s Eve, 2002, at 6:00 P.M. To our surprise, it was standing room only. We had a simple wedding; my brother was Best Man, and Lisa’s brother was the other Best Man (or Maid of Honor as we like to kid him). We wanted a simple wedding that kind of reflected who we both were, but we did splurge on our wedding rings. That was important to us.

We had a verse engraved inside each of our rings. Lisa’s just has “Matthew 19:6” because hers is so small, but mine reads, “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6.”

Now, that may sound kind of un-romantic or anti-divorce, but you would be missing the point. From the very beginning, we recognized that our marriage was something God had orchestrated. He had brought us together as one flesh. Back then, we just knew that divorce was off the table, but as we grew spiritually, it became more about depending on God to preserve our marriage, through the good and the bad.

Lisa and I have faced some very rough… some awful times. But the worst times we’ve faced have all ended up being the best years of our marriage. How can that be? How can I honestly say that times when I have seen my wife in pain, times when I have seen her suffer, times when I have seen her heartbroken as we left our son in the hospital were the best years of our marriage? Because from Day 1, ten years ago, God has had our marriage in His hands, protecting us, lifting us up, and making sure we knew it was Him doing it all.

We are not special, and are not particularly strong… but God is. Today isn’t a celebration of us. It’s a celebration of Him. He took two polar opposites and made them inseparable. He has brought us through the impossible… repeatedly! We are just plain, messed up folks like everyone else, but we have entrusted our marriage and family to God instead of ourselves. Who better to preserve us that the One who joined us together?

Thank you Lord.

“Who am I, Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?”

2 Samuel 7:18

The Day We've Been Waiting For...

Me and Lisa (and many of you) have been waiting for this day for a long time. Today Jackman went back for surgery to attach his esophagus, finally, after three long months. Things didn't go according to our wants or plans... even some of our prayers. But my prayer was answered. That will take a little explaining.

Today seemed to start out fine. We were in really good spirits for a couple whose baby is about to go into surgery. He was supposed to go back "late in the day, if an emergency case doesn't push him back to another day" according to what we were told. Knowing that, we planned to be at the hospital before noon so that we could have time to visit with Jackman and see him off. We ate a late breakfast, stopped to renew Lisa's driver's license, then went straight to Children's.

When we walked into NICU, we were told that Jackman had been taken back for surgery over an hour before we even got there. I could feel my blood pressure building to the point that I could hear it in my ears. This was an instance where I know the Holy Spirit lives in me, because I almost came unglued... but somehow I was restrained. Don't get me wrong; they knew I was less than pleased. No one had bothered to even call and say "hey, we're taking your baby into surgery early and thought you might like to know". I wasn't mad... I was indignant and had every right to be.

But God has been really working in mine and Lisa's lives, and it's especially obvious to us since Jackman was born. In a matter of minutes we were at peace - not happy - but at peace. We reasoned that just because we hadn't got to see Jackman before hand, God was in no less control over everything than if we had got to see him. I figure it was a little test to see if we trust Him as much as we think we do. I mean, it's easy to trust God when He does things like you want them done, but what if He makes it just a little tougher? I just hope He was pleased with our response.

Well, the surgery took a really long time. When the surgeon came out to speak to us, he was carrying a bunch of pictures from the procedure, and I wasn't sure if that was good or bad. He didn't beat around the bush. He told us very straight forward that they were not able to make the attachment, and had went to plan B, which was beginning the stretching process by using stitches. Then he said the words I've heard him say before (they scared me then too): "he surprised me".

Jackman had been diagnosed with Type A - Esophageal atresia without fistula or so-called pure esophageal atresia. That means his esophagus was very short and ended in a pouch (which looks like a flower vase) and there was also a small section of esophagus that came up from his stomach that didn't attach to anything either. Type A is rare. Esophageal atresia of all types affects approximately 1 in 4000 births. Type A affects only 10% of that 1 in 4000.

What the surgeon discovered this time (this being Jackman's 5th endoscopy) is that he actually has Type B - Esophageal atresia with proximal tracheoesophageal fistula. What that means is that it is the same thing as Type A, except that there is a little tube connecting the upper pouch with his windpipe (basically, whatever he swallows can go directly into his lungs). Now if Type A is rare, Type B is extremely rare because it affects less than 1% of births diagnosed with Esophageal atresia.

So what does that mean? If you are about to have a baby, the odds that your baby will have the same thing Jackman does are almost non-existent. Statistics say I will never know anyone who even knows another person with Type B Esophageal atresia. Here's the best one: It will be approximately 8 years before just one other baby with Type B is born in Alabama. Jackman is special alright.

Well, the fistula (the little tube) was fixed today. Also, stitches were put in place to begin stretching. The cool thing is that the stitches are actually coming out of his body through little disks on the back of his ribs so that they can tighten them without having to perform another surgery. Hopefully that means the next surgery will be the one to make the connection.

Here's the tough part: Jackman will remain sedated and on a ventilator until they are done stretching his esophagus. They can't risk him coughing and fussing with those stitches in place. They could tear loose. So that means he will look just like he does in the picture above for who knows how long (days, possibly weeks). No more playing the sticking out the tongue game, no watching the mobile, no cooing, we don't even know if we can hold him.

I don't know if you can imagine how much that hurts. Our quality time with him was already limited; just a couple hours a day within 5 feet of his bed. We were just beginning to know who he really is, but now he will be kept in perpetual sleep. We didn't even get to see him off this morning. How we wish now that we knew last night would be the last time we would get to play with him for a while; we wouldn't have left until they threw us out.

But in all this, my prayer is answered. I never prayed a "God, make it all better" prayer. I prayed that God would bring Himself glory, and I trusted Him to do what seems best to Him with our son. As a matter of fact, I gave our son back to Him. It is hard, and it's not getting any easier, but me and Lisa really want to glorify God more than we want to satisfy ourselves in all this. It's not so people will notice us, but notice HIM. Some people have it all wrong. It's not about our strength... it's about HIS strength. And I'm not talking about some little dose of strength like an energy drink that gives us a boost in a tough situation. I'm talking about the strength to transform lives, and sustain lives.

Plain and simple: this is way bigger than Greg and Lisa's faith. It is about the LORD GOD's power to save, sustain, comfort, and heal, and he is nowhere even close to being finished.

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

--Isaiah 40:28-31

Peace of God...

... And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

I have heard this verse all my life, especially the part that goes; "the peace... which surpasses all understanding". I have heard it in lessons, sermons, advice, and lots of prayers. I don't guess it ever occurred to me that I didn't really get the meaning of it. I just figured I knew what it meant, but I didn't.

Jackman is 5 weeks and a day old today; that's 36 days. Since the day he was born, he's been in Children's Hospital. Every night, for 36 days, we have left our baby boy at the hospital at 10:00pm and drove home without him. I know some mothers who have 5 year old kids, and have yet to spent a night apart from each other. We've never even spent a single night with our baby.

Of all the things we've dealt with so far since Jackman has been born, not having him with us is by far the hardest. You might think it gets easier as you get used to the situation, but I have found over the past week or so it gets even harder. It's like that old saying goes; "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".

The first few days, it was really hard to leave him at the hospital and come home. I went to see him twice a day while Lisa was recovering. Naturally, Lisa would cry at night when we came home, and I would cry during the day on my way home when I was by myself. The whole situation made for emotional overload in those first few days.

But I noticed that didn't last long. Soon, we were in good spirits when we would leave the hospital. We didn't loose sleep at night with him 30 miles away. We didn't feel like we had to spend every waking moment at his bedside looking at him. I continued to go to church ever since he was born, and the only reason Lisa missed was while she was recovering.

We talked about it a couple of times; basically how we felt a little guilty that we weren't crying every time we left, and beating down the doors every morning to come see him. We didn't understand why we were at peace. We felt we should have been more concerned, more worried. We wondered why we didn't ask the nurses more questions and hassle them every chance we got. We wondered why we didn't tell them how to do their jobs. It was beyond all our understanding. That's when that verse came to mind, and I finally got it.

That's "the peace of God which surpasses all understanding". You can't manufacture it. You can't decide to just "have it". It's not something I can take credit for. It's the peace of God, and it's His to give.

There is one part that depends on us, and that's the taking. It's up to us to take the peace instead of the misery. The funny thing is the misery is more comfortable for us. It's the quick fix, and it's what the natural part of us wants so badly. We feel like we deserve it; to wallow in that misery like pigs in the mud, and hopefully we'll get some pity to go with it. The peace doesn't satisfy our natural cravings at all.

When God offers that peace, it's a sure sign He's about to take you to school spiritually, and teach you a thing or two. It's kind of like graduation gifts before you go off to college. Misery would be cash; it's satisfying but short-lived, and in the long run just not very fulfilling. Really, who remembers what their graduation money went toward unless it got you in trouble. On the other hand, peace is like the big old dictionary somebody got for you. When you got it you're like "hmmm, thanks, just what I didn't want". But you have to admit, it came in handy, over and over. I still have mine, and I still use it.

Me and Lisa have that peace. Lots of people don't understand it. That's okay, cause we don't either. That's why it's the "peace of God, which surpasses all understanding". There's nothing special about us. The peace we have can be had by anyone who trusts in God. It's God's peace, and He offers you just what you need; all you have to do is accept it.

'Bout Time...

Thank the Lord, we finally got to get Lisa and Jackman together.

It's strange really. Jackman has only been here for just over 2 days. The thing is, he has spent almost all of those two days in NICU, with no contact at all with his mama. That has been so tough for Lisa. I really can't imagine what it would feel like, and I was halfway going through it myself. For two days, I spent the day with Jackman in NICU, and the night with Lisa in "our" room. But up until today, the only time Lisa spent with Jackman was immediately after he was born, and a couple of minutes looking at him through the plexiglass transport before he was flown over to Children's.

Normally I would say something like "I don't know how she held up so well", but if you read my last post, you already know that I do know how she held up.

Well, at long last, Lisa got to be reunited with Jackman, even if it was only for a couple of hours. You can look at the picture and judge for yourself wether or not God has granted her peace with all that's going on. This picture is photographic PROOF of what God is capable of doing.

It turned out to be just like I told Lisa it would be. As tired and worn out as she is, and emotionally drained as she is, that couple of hours with him tonight made all the other disappear. I really enjoyed watching them together. We didn't even get to pick him up and hold him, but it didn't matter. It was just a pleasant, peaceful, happy time...for all of us.

We can't wait to go back tomorrow!

Resting in God

Many of you probably already know that Jackman was born yesterday, August 12. I'm not going to use the cliche that it was the happiest moment of my life, but I'm not going to waste my time or yours trying to think up a better one either.

Not long after he was born, it was clear he was having some problems, and before we knew it, he was being escorted by helicopter to Children's Hospital. We didn't know what to think, but we were scared. We found out that his esophagus doesn't reach his stomach, and he will be having surgery, sooner or later. The docs believe the problem is esophageal atresia.

I could go on and on about how pitiful our situation is, but instead I'll tell you about a little light God shined on us this morning.

First, we have too many things to be grateful for to list before I get to what I want to share, but know that we are realizing them, and we are thankful.

For this to make sense, you need some background info, so here are some facts: Jackman was born on August 12; today is August 13; I read the devotional for the 12th from "My Utmost for His Highest" today (a day late). It would also be beneficial to read it for yourself right now. Here is a link: My Utmost for His Highest, August 12.

After reading that this morning, I though to myself "how appropriate is that, I just wish I had read this before we found out about Jackman's problem". But it really spoke to me, and I took it to heart.

Well, we got a few more "surprises" today. I had totally written off the probability that we could encounter any other health issues, but there are some new concerns. When they did the surgery to put in Jackman's feeding tube, they found a small hole in his intestine. They removed his little appendix and fixed the hole, but they had to figure out why he had the hole. It turns out that they suspect that he may also have some problems that will require surgery on his intestines as well.

I almost dropped to my knees, and I don't know how I kept from crying when the surgeon told me that. It seems like too much to drop on someone who has barely been a father for a day. I immediately began to wonder how I was going to explain this to Lisa. I knew it would floor her. Not only does he have this problem with his esophagus (which may keep him in NICU for weeks, even months), but now this too. What else? Do I even want to know?

But something happened while the surgeon explained it. I felt peace. There's no other way to put it really; peace came over me. I should have fell to my knees, I should have cried. People would understand if I shook my fist at God and demanded, WHY?! But that didn't happen, just peace. Just enough to help me stand up under the weight of the latest briefing.

If you read that devotional, you will remember Chambers said: "it is when a crisis arises that we instantly reveal upon whom we rely. If we have been learning to worship God and to trust Him, the crisis will reveal that we will go to the breaking point and not break in our confidence in Him." I knew the reason that I wasn't broken was because God has proved Himself too many times in the past for me not to have confidence in Him.

God has taught me so much the past day and a half, and brought me so much closer to Him, and has given me so much strength, and has stripped away so much of my pride and selfishness. Not only that, He gave me and Lisa a little boy that I wouldn't trade for another kid, or anything else in this world.

We still cry...all day long. It's been tough for us, and really hard on Lisa being completely separated from Jackman. But don't get me wrong; we are not cursing God and shaking our fists at Him. On the contrary, we are resting in Him. He's the reason we can sleep. He's the reason we can laugh when we're not crying. He's the reason we don't despair. He's the reason I'm praising Him right now instead of loosing sleep, wondering "why me, why us". Of course, we are dying to get to see and hold our baby; we know it's ok to long to be with him. The important thing is that we have peace.

The only thing that holds us up, the only thing that dries up our tears, and the only thing that has sustained us since we were separated from Jackman, is confidence in God's sovereignty.

I can't wait for yall to meet our son, Jackman, when this is all over.