Peace of God...

... And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

I have heard this verse all my life, especially the part that goes; "the peace... which surpasses all understanding". I have heard it in lessons, sermons, advice, and lots of prayers. I don't guess it ever occurred to me that I didn't really get the meaning of it. I just figured I knew what it meant, but I didn't.

Jackman is 5 weeks and a day old today; that's 36 days. Since the day he was born, he's been in Children's Hospital. Every night, for 36 days, we have left our baby boy at the hospital at 10:00pm and drove home without him. I know some mothers who have 5 year old kids, and have yet to spent a night apart from each other. We've never even spent a single night with our baby.

Of all the things we've dealt with so far since Jackman has been born, not having him with us is by far the hardest. You might think it gets easier as you get used to the situation, but I have found over the past week or so it gets even harder. It's like that old saying goes; "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".

The first few days, it was really hard to leave him at the hospital and come home. I went to see him twice a day while Lisa was recovering. Naturally, Lisa would cry at night when we came home, and I would cry during the day on my way home when I was by myself. The whole situation made for emotional overload in those first few days.

But I noticed that didn't last long. Soon, we were in good spirits when we would leave the hospital. We didn't loose sleep at night with him 30 miles away. We didn't feel like we had to spend every waking moment at his bedside looking at him. I continued to go to church ever since he was born, and the only reason Lisa missed was while she was recovering.

We talked about it a couple of times; basically how we felt a little guilty that we weren't crying every time we left, and beating down the doors every morning to come see him. We didn't understand why we were at peace. We felt we should have been more concerned, more worried. We wondered why we didn't ask the nurses more questions and hassle them every chance we got. We wondered why we didn't tell them how to do their jobs. It was beyond all our understanding. That's when that verse came to mind, and I finally got it.

That's "the peace of God which surpasses all understanding". You can't manufacture it. You can't decide to just "have it". It's not something I can take credit for. It's the peace of God, and it's His to give.

There is one part that depends on us, and that's the taking. It's up to us to take the peace instead of the misery. The funny thing is the misery is more comfortable for us. It's the quick fix, and it's what the natural part of us wants so badly. We feel like we deserve it; to wallow in that misery like pigs in the mud, and hopefully we'll get some pity to go with it. The peace doesn't satisfy our natural cravings at all.

When God offers that peace, it's a sure sign He's about to take you to school spiritually, and teach you a thing or two. It's kind of like graduation gifts before you go off to college. Misery would be cash; it's satisfying but short-lived, and in the long run just not very fulfilling. Really, who remembers what their graduation money went toward unless it got you in trouble. On the other hand, peace is like the big old dictionary somebody got for you. When you got it you're like "hmmm, thanks, just what I didn't want". But you have to admit, it came in handy, over and over. I still have mine, and I still use it.

Me and Lisa have that peace. Lots of people don't understand it. That's okay, cause we don't either. That's why it's the "peace of God, which surpasses all understanding". There's nothing special about us. The peace we have can be had by anyone who trusts in God. It's God's peace, and He offers you just what you need; all you have to do is accept it.

'Bout Time...

Thank the Lord, we finally got to get Lisa and Jackman together.

It's strange really. Jackman has only been here for just over 2 days. The thing is, he has spent almost all of those two days in NICU, with no contact at all with his mama. That has been so tough for Lisa. I really can't imagine what it would feel like, and I was halfway going through it myself. For two days, I spent the day with Jackman in NICU, and the night with Lisa in "our" room. But up until today, the only time Lisa spent with Jackman was immediately after he was born, and a couple of minutes looking at him through the plexiglass transport before he was flown over to Children's.

Normally I would say something like "I don't know how she held up so well", but if you read my last post, you already know that I do know how she held up.

Well, at long last, Lisa got to be reunited with Jackman, even if it was only for a couple of hours. You can look at the picture and judge for yourself wether or not God has granted her peace with all that's going on. This picture is photographic PROOF of what God is capable of doing.

It turned out to be just like I told Lisa it would be. As tired and worn out as she is, and emotionally drained as she is, that couple of hours with him tonight made all the other disappear. I really enjoyed watching them together. We didn't even get to pick him up and hold him, but it didn't matter. It was just a pleasant, peaceful, happy time...for all of us.

We can't wait to go back tomorrow!

Resting in God

Many of you probably already know that Jackman was born yesterday, August 12. I'm not going to use the cliche that it was the happiest moment of my life, but I'm not going to waste my time or yours trying to think up a better one either.

Not long after he was born, it was clear he was having some problems, and before we knew it, he was being escorted by helicopter to Children's Hospital. We didn't know what to think, but we were scared. We found out that his esophagus doesn't reach his stomach, and he will be having surgery, sooner or later. The docs believe the problem is esophageal atresia.

I could go on and on about how pitiful our situation is, but instead I'll tell you about a little light God shined on us this morning.

First, we have too many things to be grateful for to list before I get to what I want to share, but know that we are realizing them, and we are thankful.

For this to make sense, you need some background info, so here are some facts: Jackman was born on August 12; today is August 13; I read the devotional for the 12th from "My Utmost for His Highest" today (a day late). It would also be beneficial to read it for yourself right now. Here is a link: My Utmost for His Highest, August 12.

After reading that this morning, I though to myself "how appropriate is that, I just wish I had read this before we found out about Jackman's problem". But it really spoke to me, and I took it to heart.

Well, we got a few more "surprises" today. I had totally written off the probability that we could encounter any other health issues, but there are some new concerns. When they did the surgery to put in Jackman's feeding tube, they found a small hole in his intestine. They removed his little appendix and fixed the hole, but they had to figure out why he had the hole. It turns out that they suspect that he may also have some problems that will require surgery on his intestines as well.

I almost dropped to my knees, and I don't know how I kept from crying when the surgeon told me that. It seems like too much to drop on someone who has barely been a father for a day. I immediately began to wonder how I was going to explain this to Lisa. I knew it would floor her. Not only does he have this problem with his esophagus (which may keep him in NICU for weeks, even months), but now this too. What else? Do I even want to know?

But something happened while the surgeon explained it. I felt peace. There's no other way to put it really; peace came over me. I should have fell to my knees, I should have cried. People would understand if I shook my fist at God and demanded, WHY?! But that didn't happen, just peace. Just enough to help me stand up under the weight of the latest briefing.

If you read that devotional, you will remember Chambers said: "it is when a crisis arises that we instantly reveal upon whom we rely. If we have been learning to worship God and to trust Him, the crisis will reveal that we will go to the breaking point and not break in our confidence in Him." I knew the reason that I wasn't broken was because God has proved Himself too many times in the past for me not to have confidence in Him.

God has taught me so much the past day and a half, and brought me so much closer to Him, and has given me so much strength, and has stripped away so much of my pride and selfishness. Not only that, He gave me and Lisa a little boy that I wouldn't trade for another kid, or anything else in this world.

We still cry...all day long. It's been tough for us, and really hard on Lisa being completely separated from Jackman. But don't get me wrong; we are not cursing God and shaking our fists at Him. On the contrary, we are resting in Him. He's the reason we can sleep. He's the reason we can laugh when we're not crying. He's the reason we don't despair. He's the reason I'm praising Him right now instead of loosing sleep, wondering "why me, why us". Of course, we are dying to get to see and hold our baby; we know it's ok to long to be with him. The important thing is that we have peace.

The only thing that holds us up, the only thing that dries up our tears, and the only thing that has sustained us since we were separated from Jackman, is confidence in God's sovereignty.

I can't wait for yall to meet our son, Jackman, when this is all over.